Dear summer

Please excuse the corny title drawn from the eulogy of all eulogies for summer.

Today marks the end of my summer – the season of bacchanalia, of hedonistic indulgences, and of, what seems like, infinite possibilities. Tomorrow begins a new chapter.

Tomorrow, I attend the first official day of law school by way of orientation. Tomorrow is a day that I’ve been anticipating since May, when I prematurely lamented the fleeting days of summer. Tomorrow is a day that I’ve been dreading with some dramatic melancholy since the beginning of August.

I hate the person I’ve been for the last two weeks – fussy, scattered, anxious, and, worst of all, uncertain. This is all despite all the reassurances and reassurances again by friends, there is just always a nagging feeling that I could be doing more, I should have done more, I should be doing more. A feeling that is not to be mistaken for insecurity. A feeling that creeps and probably hinders more than facilitate accomplishments nonetheless. My uncertainty scares me. But maybe it’s the certainty that is scaring me. The certainty that I can no longer avoid adulthood and toil along at a comfortable job whose salary affords me my reckless and irresponsible spending. The certainty of responsibility (and guilt, really) is freaking me out.

There have been endless articles on my generation of 20 somethings and our inclination to eschew responsibility in the name of “self-discovery”. I was talking to a friend earlier in the week who will also start a new job that will take him further along a career path that  he has many doubts about. There is a lot of frustration and a bit of resentment in these conversations.

It reminds me a lot of pouting and throwing a tantrum as a kid. It also just occurred to me that my first post here was in the same vein, except that I tried to philosophize an existential crisis out of it.

I had a great summer. I met some great people. I got to know others better. This is an exciting junction in life! Just, please, don’t let me get fat and ugly. (True)

(Now if only I could stop imagining walking around in slushy dirty snow, I can maybe try to extend the summer high.)

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One response to “Dear summer

  1. Runako August 24, 2010 at 12:00 AM

    don’t be afraid of your own extraordinary possibilities. time has its surprises! look forward to them!

    when you’re down there will be sazeracs and sushi to pick you up. though not necessarily in that order. lol.

    -R

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