Whatever you need girlfriend I got the whole enchilada

I’ve been frequenting the LES Wholefoods a bit, because I’m trying to fulfill that hip yuppie role. For the most part, patrons to the temple of overpriced organic and gourmet foodstuffs are unremarkable and tolerable; it makes for a good venue to indulge in my formal logic enrichment. So it was a spiraling nightmare when I found myself sharing a table with Mr. Awkward Laughter and Obnoxious Public Cell Phone Usage. I should reprimand myself a little for making an opening by EXPLODING a bottle of seltzer over my lap. Fail. Post Yoga though, I was all zen, so I did my polite verbal two step and tried to go about my business. Homeboy tried to extend the conversation by asking about the merits of seltzer water. Enough was enough! The headphones had to go up and Biggie shut it down on max volume. R.I.P. I love you forever.

Five minutes later, he dropped his awkward game kicking on the next unfortunate individual via the penultimate level of mack — cellular phone bone.

As much as I smirked at his lameass quips, I also wanted to tell him to be easy:

Despite the valiant efforts put forth by some dudes [effort is always noted], some of these things are just so fail.

1. The “I’m suchhhh a nice guy, I have a puppy farm at home with apple pies decking my countertops 24/7”. This is fail, because like they teach in Creative Writing 101: don’t tell; show. Genuine niceness never needs to be pointed out. I know nice guys, I know assholes, I also know lame dudes who try to compensate by taking out their entire spinal cord and acting a tool who agrees to everything. Your failure becomes two-fold when you flip the shit and turn psycho upon rejection. Invariably so, these guys always become the most misogynist Mr. Hyde. That’s not nice, boo. Don’t blame it on the girl, either. The bad boy loving thing is a cliche and terrible misconception. You don’t need to be a jerk to have a semblance of a personality. That’s the point – a personality; without one, you’re still going to have no play as a jerk. Then you’ll really be mad.

2. The “I have a sea of corny lines and I use Shift+F7 a lot, so I’m going to parlay that into faux wit and intellect” This actually pains me. Read a book, man.

3. The “I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence and I’m going to be a big deal” Same lesson from CW 101. 70% of guys under the age of 25 are guilty of this. True story. If you’ve ever taken a girl out to Olive Garden and told her about your vague hustle and dreams of ballin’ like Jones, you’ve failed. Even if your hustle is straight-laced banking, lawyering, doctoring, it’s not impressive when you can’t expound on your goals beyond car models and corny designer labels. I’m 120% sure that the LV logo is not a style.

4. The “I take myself and everything I do seriously, I use your conjectures in jest to assert my super serious views and how I’m so above all the mistakes that average men are prone to. I’m like SENSITIVE and so super defensive” Yup, I think I covered that one pretty well in the quotes.

5. The “I just LOVE the Asian culture, I took this Asian Studies course in college once and it just changed my life so profoundly. I think your culture – that is your culture as a whole continent is just so FASCINATING and mystical like a pheonix, which is kind of like what you are. Plus, your hair is so soft and your eyes are exotic like pistachios. And Asian girls are just so en vogue right now, you know?” Ok, that was less self indulgent than you might think. It’s less a point about my cultural sensitivity, but more about good intentions and bad execution. Namely, it’s about tact. As wary as I am about the yellow fever [oh, you have it? What’s the mortality rate, like high?],  I think some of these people actually mean well and think it’s like a compliment. But I mean, I don’t know, it’s not like I go around saying, my God, I just love white guys like you. I just love that you’re so generic, it’s like you’re White Rose brand.

6. The “I like you; you’re great. You should be my girlll, but if you don’t, I don’t want to be your friend, I don’t even want to talk to you ever again even though you know I really love talking to you. You’re AWESOME but not if we are platonic.”

7. The “I’m so evasive that I might be wanted for felonies in all countries with a legal system and have 4 kids, 2 wives and a pet cobra, but you wouldn’t know it, because I’m so evasive.”

8. The “I am going to paraphrase the same compliment 26x in the first hour of our meeting or until you walk away forever, in which case I’m going to call you insecure or a bitch.” There are usually two scenarios, both of which are mad transparent unless you’re a biddie. The first is the guy whose only strategy is flattery, most of the time he’s not even all that sincere. He just OD on you to get in your pants. The second is the guy whose conversational skills fly out the window, because he’s actually just a little in awe. This isn’t terrible. It just makes everything so awkward and that’s bad, because I’m already awkward…

To be continued…

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2 responses to “Whatever you need girlfriend I got the whole enchilada

  1. Jessica April 16, 2009 at 4:03 PM

    Watchu know about White Rose?!? Olive Garden is so high school. People need to step their game up. My boo takes me to Sizzler.

  2. Jess November 7, 2010 at 2:41 PM

    I died twice while reading this. I went back by accident again. Let me hop off this blogs dick right quick

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